I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
