He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
