Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
