is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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