i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
