I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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