Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
