thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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