You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
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