Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
