remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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