you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
