so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
