New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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