Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
