nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
