I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
