But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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