i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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