All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Threesome in a minivan. New low
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
