I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
