woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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