Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
