My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
