Sober January is a disaster.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
