There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
