My ATM looks so different sober.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
