But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
These tits shall not be calmed
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
