I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
