I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.