Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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