the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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