When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
