And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
