I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
