I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
