if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
