I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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