Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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