thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
