What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
