Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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