The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
