What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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