There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
