did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
