Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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