how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
