Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
