Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
