i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
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She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
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The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.