Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
