you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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