someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
