i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
