apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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