Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
