Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
