I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
