i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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