if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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