Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
