it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
